the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
