She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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