I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
