who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
