hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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