He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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