Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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