i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
