Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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