1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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