I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
