literally had 100 drinks last night.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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