He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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