I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
