My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
