this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
