He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
