I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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