Tell her she can't have a vagina
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
