Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
