The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
