Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
