Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
