He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
