Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
