dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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