Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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