I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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