Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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