I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
why is half of my head shaved?
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