Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
