Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
