I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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