Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
