A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
