Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
