Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
