my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
