After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
