so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
