hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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