Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
