I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Randomize
