I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
