whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
