your parents love me but you hate me
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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