I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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