1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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