the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
