I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
