I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
