Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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