I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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