Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
