By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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