Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
