We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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