true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
