I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
