She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
not ubering you a puppy
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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