Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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