I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
