I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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