Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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