Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
